Frustration & Guilt...

...with a large slice of Humble Pie to wash it all down with.

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I'm not even sure how to start this, and I have a feeling it might feel a little rambling - so I apologize in advance.  Over the last few days I've been going over in my head how I was going to do this post.  I guess I should preface this by saying a few things about myself that you may { or may not } know already. 

1.)  I'm not an outwardly overly emotional person when it comes to certain emotions.  I'm able to show joy, happiness, frustration, even some anger sometimes.  I'm not a public crier though...never have been.  I have a very difficult time showing sadness to other people.  I feel like this is a weakness, and it's totally a control issue.  I'm working on this...
{ I have NO problem with other people showing emotions publicly, and I'm actually really good in a crisis/difficult situation/etc. I'm very sympathetic, empathetic, and compassionate. }

2.)  There have only been a couple people in my life who have ever really seen me really angry...and it resulted in them crying.  I don't find extreme anger to be a productive emotion { there is something to be said for being ticked off though...because I can do ticked off pretty well. ha! }  I usually walk away from a situation if I start to feel that rageful anger rise up in myself, because I know that all that will come of that anger is hurt, regret, and more anger. 

3.)  I try to be a happy person for the most part.  This isn't easy, because life can just down right suck sometimes.  I try to see the positives in every situation.  This is difficult, but that is life. 

4.)  I tend to keep things to myself.  I don't share the nitty gritty ugly parts of my life in a public forum typically.  I cringe when reading some of the posts that are put on Facebook and other media sites today.  So for me to post the following is me stepping way outside of my comfort zone. 

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My oldest sister passed away last week.  She was 36 { going to be 37 in November } 

We're are not sure on all the details as of yet, because it was an "unattended death," and she lives in New Mexico by herself. 

She was a witty, book smart, and caring person. 

She passed away within a year of our Mom passing away from cancer.  As of right now, we are led to believe that it was natural causes.  I'm sure that will be the final results we get also. 

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Frus-tra-tion    (fr-strshn) 
n
         1. the condition of being frustrated
         2. something that frustrates
         3. (Psychology) Psychol
                     a. the prevention or hindering of a potentially satisfying activity
                     b. the emotional reaction to such prevention that may involve aggression

I'm frustrated because I wish she would've taken better care of herself { she had severe health issues that were self inflicted } I'm frustrated because not even a year after burying his wife, my Dad has to bury his oldest daughter.  I'm frustrated because this didn't have to happen.  I'm frustrated because she left a big damn mess that my Dad has to clean up.  I'm frustrated because she was almost 37 years old, and couldn't function as an adult and take care of herself { physically, emotionally, financially }

I'm frustrated...

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Guilt     [gɪlt]
n
        1. the fact or state of having done wrong or committed an offence
        2. (Law) responsibility for a criminal or moral offence deserving punishment or a penalty
        3. remorse or self-reproach caused by feeling that one is responsible for a wrong or offence
        4. Archaic sin or crime

I feel guilt because I hadn't spoken to her in almost 2 months { it was difficult to get ahold of her because her phone was constantly shut off or no internet access }  I feel guilt because I knew she was having a difficult time, and I didn't reach out to her because I didn't have anything uplifting to say.  I feel guilt because I know that there was nothing that I could say or do to make her change to get back to good health.  I feel guilt because we had a distant relationship.

I feel guilt...

Guilt, thick as ether, seeped into my body —Jonathan Valin

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My slice of Humble Pie...

My father called me last Wednesday evening to let me know that she had passed.  He had just received a call from one of my sisters co-workers, and the death had apparently occurred a couple days before, but she wasn't found until Wednesday.  Thursday morning I went with my Dad to the funeral home { the same funeral home we had been to nine months previously to finalize my Mom's funeral arrangements } to get everything in order, and find out what needed to be done.  I must say that Eagle Funeral Home is the BEST!  Jason and his family have been through their own trials, and he's amazing at what he does { he also has two of the cutest kids, and a very gracious wife! }

My father then drove to New Mexico over the weekend to clean out my sisters apartment.  It was a mess, and that's all the more detail I'll go into.  He was greeted by amazing people.  People that welcomed him with open arms.  People that didn't know him { they had known my sister } 

This amazing group of people { the Navajos are really an amazing tribe! I've known this for years since my Mom's family is from Gallup, NM...but this outpouring of help was humbling } came to my Dad, paid for his hotel room, came to help him clean out the apartment, hauled trash, brought food and water, gave him money to use towards his traveling expenses and the funeral arrangements, and the list goes on...

These people , who didn't know my Dad, were willing to give everything they had to a grieving father.  I'm so grateful to every one of them.  I was unable to travel out there with him to help because of Squish { I breastfeed, and wouldn't be able to leave her behind...and there was no way to take her with me to what was waiting } I'm grateful because he didn't have to do this alone.

I'm grateful...

I'm humbled...